11/01/2011

Live Journal 2/16/11

I don't give a shit. I've been thinking about keeping a live journal, so this is it. I haven't been Remembering my dreams because I've been getting too little sleep. I need my dreams. They keep me going. I've also been working on a video game, so once I get a beta running I'll probably post it on here so I can get some advice. Until later,
Jake

10/09/2011

Omegle Time

I was fucking around on omegle. This is what I did.



Here are the results:

Add these to Merriam Webster right off, alphabetically.  We'll be needing them.
  • Amazriful - ... (apparently it's self explanatory)
  • Askenburkens - The ash that flies into your mouth when you smoke weed.
  • Bananae - French for banana.
  • Crefine - Creating and defining.
  • Dfjdsfkldfkjldfjskl - It's a dumbass who can't make his own word.
  • Fuck - To act upon an organism the action of sexual intercourse.
  • Furkle - The act of choking on another's penis during oral sex.
  • Gluffernagsi - It's a fart that you do under your duvet, and it stays there like all night, until you turn over and it kills you.
  • Goan - Goan fuck yourself.
  • Jart - When you fake a fart and actually fart at the same time.
  • Klevman - A person on omegle who believes that they are creating a clever word, but are outright retarded.
  • Linkativity - Creative linkage.
  • Motting - Eating a girl out.
  • Prathenar - To explain so much as to become ridiculously belittling.
  • Plongle - Plongle is a new hit sensation.  It's ping pong and pong combined.  You move large rectangular things on each over a ping pong table to hit the ball back and forth.
  • Pussy - Something you don't get.
  • Smee - Smee again.  Goan fuck yourself.
  • Y=MX+B - YO MOMMAS EX BOYFRIEND!

10/07/2011

Got Game

I HAVE FUCKING RETURNED


Got myself a new laptop.  And I think it's time that I actually made a comeback from my downfall.  And it's going to be in FUCKING STYLE.  The Pomeranian is making his debut as a meme, and there will be a rise of the onions.  Just wait.  Just you fucking wait.

5/18/2011

DEMONIC CONTROL

THE LORD OF DARKNESS NOW HAS CONTROL OVER THIS FUCKING BLOG

Never before has this blog experienced an overall useless makeover, and because I can't alter the fact that I'm now typing in double spaced bold, I'm going to have to come up with something incredibly creative.  This layout is quite strange.





Well... get to guessing!  In the next post, we'll find out who that pokemon is.  That, and the Pomeranian is going to go to Idaho.  Thank god for font errors.  My laptop was repossessed, so I'm going to have to remake all my templates...  Sounds like a worthy challenge to me!

4/05/2011

Ding!

I've been working a new full time job, so I'm fucking tired.  That's why there haven't been any comics or anything.  I'm sure I'll do some weird shit soon.  Gotta revive that god damn pomeranian.  But I'm on here to share some insight:


When I was young, I used to watch action movies and feel empowered, like I was immortal.  An inner strength planted in my youthful mind by the media.  But now that I'm a little older, I realize that there's a better word to describe that feeling.  I was "impressionable."  If you're living in the United States, or any other country driven by the media (and I'm not talking about newspaper - I'm talking about tv, internet, video games, movies, books) - you are being mind controlled.  All your ideas of who you are, what you're supposed to be, and the definitions of what something is are all implanted in you by those forms of media.  When you think of a doctor, you probably think of someone in a white suit, toting a stethoscope, walking around with a clipboard and talking to patients.  A business man wears a pressed suit, a hat, and carries a briefcase.  And a policeman is always driving around, making sure to ruin your life with every chance he's given.  What about a super hero?  Those guys don't exist, but you still imagine them, and want to be them.  The envy is instilled in you because you can see those guys right in front of you, but you will never be them, no matter how hard you wish or hope.  I mean, just think about it:  What label describes you?  If you're a doctor, a business man, a cop, you're not always walking around with a uniform on.  You're just another human being.  Who are you, really?

And you won't stop being impressionable.  You're born with it.

4/02/2011

Arfenhouse

I remember watching these when I was 14 or something.  They're fucking random and hilarious.  Don't watch if you have epilepsy.

Arfenhouse: The Movie
Arfenhouse 2
 I think the second one is the better of the two, but they're both pretty funny.  They're just weird in a weird sort of way.  There are like four sequels to the second one, but I haven't seen any of them.

PIKAKAKAKAKAKPIII

Good Morning, I am an Onion

I saw these fucked up things in my kitchen, and decided that they needed to be freed from their earthly realm. That's right. They've been "modified" by a laptop and MS Paint.

My Happy Place

I was having a panic attack the other night, and someone suggested that I go to my happy place.  I didn't really have any idea of what that would be, so I just sat down in my bed and closed my eyes.  I let my imagination do the rest of the work.

I first imagined Chuck Norris.  Then I decided he should have a monkey on his back.  Then I envisioned him running up the side of a mountain.

I'd watched the movie "The Mist" the night before, and I decided to take an antagonist from that movie (the giant tentacle monster), and have Mr. Norris destroy him.
That kind of weird shit put my mind right at ease, and threw me into a gleeful coma from which I woke refreshed.  My dreams that night had nothing to do with Chuck Norris or monkeys, but it was the thought that counted.

Bullshit

Google, a multi-billion dollar company, is telling me that I can't make money from my blog.  Looks like someone's been spamming my adsense too much, but I don't blame you because I would have liked to see some income from this.  My goal was, admittedly, to receive a check from adsense and put it toward a carton of marlbs.  I don't think that's too much to ask.

I finally reached that goal.  I had $63.00 in my account.  Now that that's happened, they're taking my money away.  I don't see anything outstanding about $63.

So fuck them.  This blog's going to be for me, and about me from now on.  I'm not going to help anyone out with this except myself and my readers.  Screw the advertisers, and screw google.  They suck :(

3/31/2011

FIVE DOZEN EGGS

Before I write my article for trip week (which has probably been going on for like 5.3 days), I thought I'd share a 25 second video that will inspire you to make an omelet.

Dog Porn

First up...  For a new segment I'm doing called RAPE DICTIONARY WORD OF THE DAY, I will define a word in its direct context pertaining to my life.

PRETENTIOUS: This blog.

Next up, we have, ironically, reader requested, comma spliced, DOG PORN.


If you can make it through this video without pausing or exiting your browser, you are either brave, or fucked in the head. 

3/30/2011

Pomeranian in Tokyo

After the horrible experience he had in Russia, the Pomeranian needed to get some rec time.  What better a place than good ol' Tokyo?

Sensory Deprivation

Here's a tasty treat:  This is the first trip for trip week I'll post that doesn't involve brain damage.  That's right.  You heard me.  This is absolutely harmless and safe and totally awesome.

SENSORY DEPRIVATION
(a tit-head's reference guide)

What you'll need for this adventure:
  • A pair of headphones (preferably sound-canceling)
  • An MP3 player of some sort 
  • White noise music files
  • A blindfold
  • A place with no light whatsoever (dark bathroom, closet, etc...)



STEP ONE:  Go into your dark place with your supplies.  For those that are scared of the dark...  Go cry to your mommy and grow some testiclites.  This journey is not for the weak-minded, because you may hear or see things when you're doing this.


STEP TWO:  Put your headphones in and the blindfold on, and take some deep breaths to calm yourself for the ride ahead.










STEP THREE:  Turn the music on, wait until the lighted screen from your music player turns off, and then try as best as you can to clear your mind.

If you can stop your thoughts for a long enough period (it won't really be that hard to shut down for two minutes at least), all you have to do is wait for the images or sounds to come on.  Some people won't be affected, and others will hallucinate their asses off.  If it does work, you will have visions of random things, maybe hear voices or ethereal sounds, and possibly feel physical sensations you wouldn't normally.  If you're having trouble hallucinating, you can try a different white noise file.

Oh, and if you're having difficulty finding appropriate files...  I, uh...  Found a reputable site for acquiring such things: Reputable Site.  In order of recommendation, I would say: Nitrous (best - really fucking intense), Hand of God (OMFG), Out of Body, and uh... Orgasm (if you catch my drift).

I would finally like to turn you on to a movie about sensory deprivation.  It's kind of an oldie, but if you're into psychedelic adventures, there's nothing like watching some guy turn into an ape, and then a giant morphing mass of radioactivity while on hallucinogenic mushrooms.  It's called Altered States.

3/28/2011

The Pomeranian Hits Russia

Someone voted in that poll thing for the Pomeranian to go to Russia.  I can't let my fans down.  Not now at this crucial day and age.  Here we go:

How To Make Yourself Pass Out

It's still trip week, and I had a revelation.  Everything I've been posting is about tripping out on legal drugs, but I neglected to realize that you don't always need drugs to have a crazy trip.  Sometimes, all you need is some tom foolery and some bravery.

Make Yourself Pass Out


Step One
STEP ONE:  Find a comfortable spot to fall onto when you lose consciousness.












Step Two
STEP TWO:  Make sure you have a friend handy to make sure that you don't fall forward and hurt yourself.  I once did this on my own and instead of falling forward onto my couch, I feel back and hit my head on a metal lamp post.  I woke up seizuring.





STEP THREE:  Bend down and put your head between your legs and take deep, quick breaths (hyperventilate) for about thirty seconds.  This causes an overflow of oxygen to your brain.

STEP FOUR:  Stand up quickly, put your thumb in your mouth, and blow on it as hard as you can without letting any air out.  Do not stop until you lose consciousness, which will happen if you don't get scared and give up.
Step Four
STEP FIVE:  Pass out.
Step Five

!WARNING! - This will cause brain damage.  You are cutting off oxygen's flow to your brain for a short period.  It won't kill you, but it will probably fry you a bit.

Personal Experience
  • I did this once at my friend's house, and I didn't fully pass out.  I fell on my knees, and I felt like lightning was running through my body and into my teeth.  I got a mental picture of myself made of thunder, and strange blue bolts going through my body.
  • I did this in my room, and when I came to, I thought my whole life until that point had been a cruel dream, and that I had been given a new chance to start over.

It's weird.  You're just standing there, breathing on your thumb, and then you wake up somewhere completely different.

Here's a video of a kid doing it:

3/27/2011

Pomeranians

My new favorite classification of dog is the majestic Pomeranian. They're powerful, fearless, loving, and capable of flight.  Here are some reasons justifying my previous statements:

Powerful
I mean, you can't deny that that's total proof that the Pomeranian is the ultimate breed.  They can fucking breathe fire.  Do you think I would post something ludicrous on here like an image edited to look like a fire-breathing Pomeranian?  Are you stupid?

More Proof:
Fearless
Loving  
And don't forget:


That pretty much says it all.  Bottom line:  The Pomeranian is a hardy breed.  They will outlast mankind.

How to trip on: Diphenhydramine



Time for a trip week update.  Once again, let's get some fucking MEDUCATION!

Most people are aware that Benadryl is an over the counter drug used to treat allergy symptoms.  It is classified as a first-generation antihistamine, which means it works in different areas of the brain other than those that generate histamines (which are weird shit-fuckers that give you allergy symptoms).  First-generation antihistamines are also known for causing sleepiness, which is why some people take Benadryl to sleep at night.
What people might not know is that the active ingredient in Benadryl is called diphenhydramine, which acts a delirient when taken in high doses.  I told you that nutmeg is a delirient, but its effects are definitely less-powerful than diphenhydramine's.

How to have a Benadryl trip

STEP ONE:  Acquire at least 400mgs of pills that contain diphenhydramine (Benadryl pills generally come in 25mg increments, so you'll want at least 16).  You should avoid any pill that contains another drug than diphenhydramine, because overdosing on other drugs can cause much more dangerous symptoms than delirium.
STEP TWO:  Remove pills from packaging and swallow them all.  It's dangerous to take dosages greater than 600mgs, especially if you don't have a tolerance to such things.  If you are in any way weak-stomached, do not do this.  So, at most, (at least for your first time) take 24 pills.  Otherwise, you might end up dead or in an ambulance choking on charcoal.

STEP THREE:  Wait an hour to two hours for the effects to come on.

DESCRIPTION:  At first, you will feel like you have less gravity.  When you stand up, you will feel like you're floating off your chair.  Then, things start to change.  Your lampshades will spin around, your lightswitches will flip up and down, and objects in pictures might move around, the people might wink or wave to you.  Then, things get a little more serious.  You'll be intensely drowsy, and want to sleep, but if you do, you'll basically be getting brain and liver damage for no reason.  You'll start seeing things that aren't there, but the first hallucinations will be silhouettes that look like objects walking or moving around but transparent ones.  It looks like the predator does when it turns invisible in the Schwarzenegger movie.  After a while, you will see things completely in color, and these things might interact with you, such as a fake person talking to you that isn't there.  You'll feel sensations that aren't happening, like someone grabbing your shoulder or little bugs crawling on you.  You will hear voices or music that isn't real.  The strangest part of the experience is that you will, during your trip, completely believe that everything happening is completely real.  That's why it's almost imperative to have a trip sitter.

I honestly don't recommend anyone to do this.  But it's trip week, and I'm trying to be a guru.




My Experience

It was the second time I ever tried the stuff.  I took 600mgs, and I sat down in my room to wait for the effects to come on.  I remember, as a half hour passed, standing up and feeling so bubbly that I wanted to get back into my chair.  So I did.  At this point I was so drowsy that I wanted to just shut my eyes and disappear, but I knew that that was out of the question.  I forced my eyes open, and turned them to the pure-white wall across the room.  I stared a few seconds, and this weird alien made of polkadots appeared across from a pong paddle, and they were both moving up and down the wall playing pong.  I looked to my left to see a gorilla made of rainbow rods climb up the wall, being pursued by small, purple soldiers that seemed eager to capture the thing.  That all disappeared quite quickly.  I remember sitting there, and hearing, "the universe is a part of you, and I think, if you try hard enough, you can become a part of it."  I said "what?" but the voice never responded.  I stood up and went over to sit on my bed.  When I closed my eyes, I was on a TV sitcom, and I was holding a briefcase, walking into a homey environment.  I opened my eyes, and it all vanished, and I remember saying, "keep going into TV shows.  Must stay here."  I walked over to my mirror after that, and my reflection started morphing into a goblin-like creature.  I just stared at it for a moment, and then it reached through, grabbed me, and pulled me into the other side.  I was definitely blacked out after that, because the next thing I remember is waking up outside by my trash can, vomiting profusely.

The moral?  Don't do Benadryl.  Yeah...  The contradiction is savory.

3/25/2011

Weird Shit

I had the strangest dream last night.  I was in this car with a bunch of people who were going to buy weed, and we were in the most ghetto place I've ever seen.  It was weird, because the town was perfectly clean and normal until we turned a corner into this filthy beast of a street.  We pulled up to this garage that was surrounded by crack addicts and horny black women, and my two confidants got out of the car, went inside, and returned with an ounce.  After that, we drove around more, smoking the dope.  We eventually returned to the garage, and they did another deal.  I was like... "I'm having deja vu, guys."

After that it all goes black, and I remember sitting in this huge house next to my girlfriend who was taking hits out of this giant smoking device.  It looked like a water pitcher that was turned on its side, and you had to open your mouth hugely wide to make it airtight.  I decided to hit it (it was filled with resin) and when I started pulling on it, a smoke cyclone appeared inside and went straight for my brain.  I wandered around the rest of the dream, trying to understand why I wasn't high.  I never seem to get high in my dreams when I smoke weed; shouldn't my mind be emulating the trip?

3/24/2011

Nutmeg

Nutmeg - Seasonal Spice or Major Trip?

This is the second post of trip week.  It's time for some MEDUCATION!

Nutmeg is commonly used as a seasoning on many different culinary products.  It's mainly used as a little "touch of flavor" when you need to spice up a dish.  What people might not know is that nutmeg contains myristicin, which is a delirient.  You can find that information directly on wikipedia, but I know these things from experience; don't judge.  Ipso facto, if you can stomach consuming about two tablespoons of natural, unprocessed nutmeg, you will experience a potent high characterized by hallucinations, confusion, and euphoria.  Nutmeg differs from other drugs because, when taken orally, the high can last up to two or three days.  There are some negative side effects as well (tastes terrible going down, nausea, body aches), but I personally never encountered the latter two.  So, if you're ready, here's a guide on how to become one with the nut.  That just sounds bad.

STEP ONE
Acquire two tablespoons of nutmeg.  I hear getting the actual nuts and grinding them up produces the freshest and most pure form, but I bought mine at the local Real Food Store for $5 and it worked just fine.  Do NOT buy the little nutmeg containers from grocery stores.  It's not worth your while.
This is the bunk shit

STEP TWO
Consume the nutmeg.  I mixed mine with water and just drank it the first time I did it.  Terrible idea.  I puke whenever I taste nutmeg now.  I heard about people getting empty pill capsules and putting the 'meg into those, and I think that would be the easiest way to do it without that nasty flavor; that is, if you can manage to take 30 pills.

STEP THREE
Just wait.  It usually takes about five hours for the effects to come on.  I've heard of people taking it, then thinking it's not working and taking more, and ending up in the hospital.  Just wait your ass off, because double dosing on this shit is a very bad idea.  It comes on slow.

STEP FOUR
Trip balls.  And keep tripping for a long ass time.  You'll fall asleep completely stoned only to wake up the next day in the exact same state.  This is why you should make sure to have a few days cleared for this type of endeavor.  I never experienced it, but I hear there can be a very harsh hangover from this stuff.


MY NUTMEG TRIP
 
     I was a drug fiend in those days, and I was desperate to try a new high.  I didn't want to robo trip anymore, and benadryl was out of the question for me.  So, ever faithful, erowid pointed me in a new direction.  I skipped on over to the food store and stole (erm... bought) enough nutmeg to reach the stratosphere.  I brought the shit home and emptied the plastic bag container's contents onto my counter top.  I'd already formulated my plan hours ago:  I would fill a glass with water... and add nutmeg to it!  Brilliant!  So I did that, mixed it around, and I ended up with a globular concoction.  The brown spice seemed to form weird fuzzy bubbles in the water, and they murkily floated to the top and popped occasionally, dispersing vile gunk throughout the liquid.  I plugged my nose, took a few gulps, and gagged my way into the bathroom, cup still in hand.  My internal mantra was screaming, "fuck this!  Puke, for god's sake, Jake!  What's wrong with you!?"  But I held firm, and sloshed the rest down like a champion.
     Now it was time for the come-up.  I just couldn't contain my excitement.  I didn't know what to do while I waited, so I ended up sitting in bed for about four hours, just looking at the ceiling and listening to avant garde metal groups.  When I finally popped the headphones off and went over to my mirror, I knew something was going on.  My face was just different in some way, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  I must have stood there in front of that mirror for at least an hour, making faces like this:
video
By the time I realized what I was doing, it was already too late.  I was smashed and shattered.  I threw the ipod back on to some Neurosis with my bose sound-canceling headphones and biked through the streets, high as Edward Norton's kite.  The last thing I remember about that night is looking to my right as I passed a stop sign to see a carriage being pulled by an enormous tarantula.

What's the moral?  I don't know.  But listening to Through Silver in Blood on nutmeg was the scariest twelve minutes of my entire life.

I NOW DECLARE THIS WEEK - TRIP WEEK!

I've come to the conclusion that, in lieu of my lack of ideas, I'll have to fill the world with new ones.  Stories, mainly, about my usage of dangerous materials.  I will describe, in detail, my knowledge, experience, and knowledge of the dangerous drugs of America.  Due to some inspiring bastard I just learned about, I will start with Salvia Divinorum.

EXPERIENCE:

I was at a party with some of my close friends, and we were getting totally high the entire time.  We first went out on the patio and each smoked a bowl to ourselves out of this kid's giant, quadruple perk, other-stuff-tricked-out-masterpiece bong, and I was completely ripped seconds after taking the hit.  It was totally smooth, but hit me like a trucker's truck.  The night proceeded as planned, we all drank some vodka and smoked more bowls and blunts, but then bong boy had a revelation: "anyone want to smoke some salvia?"  I was all over that shit.  We went downstairs and he loaded a large bowl of the stuff in his bubbler.  I took a huge hit, held it for as long as I could, and then let it all go.  My friends were all sitting on the bed next to me, watching.  I felt this horrible sensation; it was like my skin was wet, and trying to pull itself off of my body.  That subsided quickly though, because all of a sudden my companions started becoming mirror images on the other side of the room and encircling me, pulling me underneath some sort of ethereal carpet.  Their smiles frightened me because they began to look evil and taunting, and I thought they were going to kill me, or force me to leave the Earth.  All I could say was, "holy shit.  Holy shit.  Holy fuck."  They images started wrapping tighter around me for a while, until they completely engulfed me.  That's when I snapped back to reality.
For some reason, I decided that I hadn't had enough, so I smoked another, even larger hit.  I don't really remember what happened after that.  I only have a few images.  My salvia-supplying-buddy began to look like a cross between an elephant and an egyptian cat, and my other associate became a pyramid-like creature with large teeth.  The next thing I remember is coming to on the bed and staring across the room at the only girl at the party.  Her boyfriend sat next to me, laughing.  I still don't know if I'm still salvia tripping or not, because I honestly felt, when I came down, that I was in a new dimension.  Like I'd left and am never going to come back to the world I was in before.  Maybe it's the hallucinogen's influence on me.  Or maybe I'm just insane.  But there's this nagging feeling deep down inside me that some day (maybe the day I die) I will return to that room, my true reality, and everything I've been experiencing since that day has been a prolonged lifetime generated by the drug.  I've heard similar stories.  That's what scares the shit out of me.

Later my friends told me that I spent the majority of that second trip walking around the room saying "I don't know what's going on" repeatedly.  One of them said I fell on him, but he wasn't willing to divulge the full details.  I still don't know why.

I Gotta Stop Using This Fucker

I've been trying to stay away from weed recently because I have these intense anxiety attacks when I smoke it; my heart literally pounds out of chest, and it hurts like a tit-wipe.  Well...  I love my cigarette filter.  It's incredible.  Makes me feel like the great Hunter T, and it turns my day upside down.  But I think there's still some resin left in it, because after I smoke a smoke out of it, I feel a little nur nurrish.
Nur.  Nurrrrr.....

My First Day at the Office

Today was my first day of freelance employment for a local temp agency.  The assignment I was given was simple - go to x location and copy y amount of documents for a private client.  Seemed pretty standard.  The secretary on the job showed me the copier and how to properly use it.  There were about eight large stacks of documents and strange files that I was to copy through the machine.  It seemed like it was going to be a fairly easy task.  I basically was going to sit in a corner near this machine until all 1500 pages were processed.




My first issue came up when I put the papers in the wrong side up.  I "copied" about 50 before I actually looked at the output; they were all fucking blank.  Not a big problem, but when I told the lady what happened she seemed quite perturbed.  She had to take down how many I miscopied and subtract it from my total copy score for the end of the day.  I was relieved when she told me everything was fine.  Then, I started putting more into the machine, and, without thinking, I did it wrong again.  More blanks.  She came back, did the same process, and scowled heavily.  I began again, and only caught myself after I put another paper in; another mark off the copy count.  I was tripping out hard at this point about my failures, and decided not to tell her about it.

I finished my first stack after that, finally catching on about which side to put upward (god, I'm lacking brain cells).  When I was about halfway through the second stack, the machine jammed.  She came back, showed me how to fix it, and took her seat again across the way.  This is when things got a tad hairy.  Somehow, during the jam, I lost count or something, and all these files started getting mixed up.  I attempted to fix it by comparing my copies to the original, but things got more and more out of control, until I was on the verge of a total nuclear freak out.  I told her I was going to take a break, and went out and smoked a cigarette, choking down bile and feces.  When I got back inside, I fixed things up, showing the ladies what I'd done wrong; they spent about half an hour fixing my mistake while I sat in the corner and grimaced through copies.

It took me six hours in total to finish a job that the employer said would only span two, so... I feel like a winner for getting paid more.   Even if I suck at what I do.

Gotta have some fun while being insanely embarrassed, right?


3/23/2011

Commentary on Trees

On this grim day of March 23rd, 2011, I have successfully come to numerous mindbending conclusions about society.  There are strange things happening all around us, and I was one to bear witness to them; what I encountered shocked me to my very core.

At first I was all...
But then...


But I still came.  The encounter with the TourettesTree was terrible.  Never before in my life had I realized that trees could have genders and personalities.  So I got in tune with nature, and learned some valuable lessons about being friends with the forest.

I Named Him Optimus Prime

Me and Optimus chilled for a while, but I got bored being a good samaritan and went home to find that my tree planting efforts had come to fruition.  That's right...  My cigarette tree had finally produced its fruit.

The Cigarette Tree


Cigarette Tree,
oh, cigarette tree,
thank god for thee.
You answered my plea,
and have given me,
a lot of damn smokes.








Until next time.  Jake signing off.