My History of Pokemon

With the release of Pokemon Black and White version, I cannot help but reminisce over my past exploits with the furry, fire-infused creatures that improved my childhood.

Red version.  This shit, once localized to the United States, was set in my childlike eyes and wouldn't go away.  So, like most other ten year olds, I pestered my parents endlessly until they purchased it for me.  This came at Christmas time.  I remember the glee I had when I found the game amid the other bags of goodies my parents had hidden in the hall closet.  I wanted to rip into the case and play right away, but I somehow restrained myself until morning.

This game was incredible.  I couldn't put it down.  I mean, holy shit - monsters that go into balls far too small for them?  What's not to like?  I remember naming them really stupid shit.  My Charizard was RubyKing, my MewTwo was PsiLord, and my Pikachu was ElectricityBalls.  There's an eight character limit on the pokemon name, so that last one was complete bullshit.

Then this one came along, and completely rocked my world.  I'd stopped slobbering over the red version, but then this sucked me right back in to the franchise.  They had a Pokemon cell phone for God's sake, and it turned dark outside when it actually was dark outside; later, I would find that it turned light outside too; oh my god.  AND THERE WERE SO MANY MORE POKEMON MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!  When I opened the box, threw the cartridge in, and loaded it up, I nearly shit myself when the professor asked what gender I was.  How could he possibly not know?  I payed for the game, man.  At least they could have coded a gender scanner...  But that didn't stop me, and I put my childish brain to this beast and clocked over sixty hours of gameplay.

Then this piece of dog vomit came along.  I may have played this one for over one hundred hours, but that did not excuse its disgusting lack of a cell phone and day/night system.

<---- I mean, could you imagine this slimy red freak raising eight children with nothing but welfare and global warming?  No.  Not at all.  Pure paganism.  That's all I have to say.

Now this guy...  This guy could raise twelve children with nothing but his bare hands and some cocaine:
 Moving along........

This is an example of what not to do with something that was slowly getting worse and worse.  Sure, you could go online and trade pokemon.  Sure, you could finally play pokemon on two screens simultaneously.  Sure, there were mild gambling references.  But now, with the creation of this beast, there were almost 500 pokemon to collect.  Are you serious?  Are you blowing my baboon?  Too much going on.  I believe the most pokemon I ever accumulated in this game was 112.  That's unfortunate, but a direct product of just how insane it is to "catch em' all" in this moronic ice cream shoppe.

Now, finally, we find ourselves staring down the grapevine at the newest additions.  Black and White.  This game brings the astounding total to 649 pokemon.  That's more than I can count on my fingers, and I'm pretty sure that if I had 649 fingers, I wouldn't count for that long anyway.  But just look at that beautiful creature up there.  Can you believe Reshiram (or Rotom, whatever his name is) is a fucking Fire/Dragon type pokemon?  You would think they would have made a fire dragon before, but no, it took them almost 15 years to do it.  Give them credit though.  Those japanese programmers don't have much insight into common sense.  Will I seriously end this blog post with the reader (if you even got this far) thinking I'm a racist?  You bet your genitalia I will.

1 comment:

  1. I just realized I have never owned an actual Pokemon game. Been always emulators and roms for me.